Moms Know (Most of them)

I remember a discussion in twitter about mom confronting her son as being gay. Most moms know it even before their sons tell them. Some even know that their sons are gay even before their sons know it. It's mothers' intuition. They say mothers are the first ones to know but last to confirm or confront their gay sons.

My mom is apparently not one of those moms.I guess she's one of the naive ones - those who can't keep with the times, those who were born yesterday.

How can I say this? Well there were a lot of times where I thought that my mom still believes that to be gay is to be cross-dressing, effeminate, or flamboyant.

One time she asked me if one of my cousins is gay. I'm not one who tells on a sister. So I just returned with a question, probing why she thought so. She told me that her sister (my cousin's mother) suspects that her son is gay. I don't know, I answered her. Siguro malambot lang talaga siya, I added. And I guess she believes  me.

Another time, there was a pair of guys inquiring about investing on real estate property. The moment I saw the two of them, I already knew they're gay. I also suspect that they were a couple. Apparently, they're each planning to invest on a lot before going back to Saudi to work as gym instructors. Mom's agent came to us telling the pair's story. He added that one of them was gay because of how he looked at him. When the agent went back to the pair, my mom turned to me and said, bakla daw?! paano naman niya nasabing bakla yun, e ang lalaki ng katawan nila. I just told mom that I also think so because one of them was eyeing me out.

And the last one came from a conversation I had with my sister. She told me that mom is excited for another grandchild but she's not expecting it to come from me. Seems like my mom doesn't see me as one who could bring a life into this world, not because she thinks I'm gay but because she thinks I don't have a lustful bone in my body. She thinks I'll die a virgin. She has no idea.

Most moms really do know things that go on with their children even before they could confess it to them. But out of love and respect, they just let their children be happy for who and what they are.

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Senses

Have you ever experienced while walking by a restaurant, seeing its name or smelling their freshly cooked meals, you suddenly remember events that took place there? They say that our senses are closely associated with our memories and emotions due to their close proximity in our brains. It makes us call up powerful memories almost instantaneously with the aid of our senses.

Since I tend to be a by-stander inside malls, I can't help but recall certain events in my life whenever I see these establishments:

Friday's

Burgoo 

Trelli's

KFC

Bellini's

Pepper Lunch

Bon Chon

Sizzling Pepper Steak

Googel

Aveneto

Karate Kid

Starbucks 

Gong Cha

Cha Time 

Good or bad, memories are events that made a mark in our lives. It may hurt or calm us, crush or heal us. What's important is the lessons we've learned. Cherish the good ones and try to make good memories in place of the bad ones.

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Little John

He stood there watching. Sobbing. Weak. Helpless. Little John, there in the corner, wishing that they would stop. The fighting. The shouting. Screaming. Cursing. Hitting. He couldn't take it. He just stood there watching.

He never liked conflicts - the shouting and screaming. As much as possible, he stayed away from them. He kept distance. In his nook, his corner. The only thing he knows to do was cry.

Now older, still little John dislikes conflicts especially coming from the family. How can something that's supposed to cradle love and affection possess so much anger and hostility, he thought. He wanted to run as far away as possible. He wanted to just disappear.

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Terms of endearment

Minsan pag nagkakaroon ka ng SO (significant other) or SS (special someone) sa buhay mo, di ninyo maiwasang magkaroon ng tawagan or pet names. Classic example nun ay love, darling, mahal, pangga, beau, boo, bubba at kung ano-ano pa. So papatalo ba ko. hehe

DK - naging DK kasi pareho naming nickname sa bahay ay nagsisimula sa D, so ibig sabihin niyan ay D** Ko. oh di ba, baduy. haha simula pa lang yan.

Han - derived from my other name. When he first texted me, and addressesed me with this name, I thought he was just lazy typing. So I replied with the same name, and everything started from there.

Mahal - Ito yung wala lang maisip na tawagan kaya nakiuso na lang sa mahal-mahal na tawagan.

Soulmate - Ang dami kasi naming things in common kaya napagtanto naming soulmates kami. Though he's miles away, may pagkakaintindihan kami somehow. At excited ako makilala siya nang personal, like super personal. haha

Big / little bear - Okay, siguro madali ng isipin kung sino si big bear. hehe. kaya naman bear ang reference namin ay pareho namin pinanggigigilan ang isa't isa - parang teddy bear.

Idol - Ito ang tawag ko sa kanya, pero iba ang tawag niya sa akin (secret na lang yun kasi nakakakilig e. joke). Idol ko siya kasi ang dami niyang alam sa life and love or love and sex. Basta ang dami niyang words of wisdom ala Ate Charo. Nakakatuwa lang kasi kahit anong landi ko sa kanya, di siya nadadala. kainis. hahaha

Someone - sa picture kasi nagsimula yan. we wanted to be that someone for each other. at first, okey naman lahat. kaya lang there's somethings that I guess are not meant to happen. I dunno. Siguro the timing's bad.

Sa mga naging tawagan naming iyan, naging special sila sa akin at sana'y ako rin sa kanila. Natuldukan man o unti-unti man silang  sa buhay ko, nagpapasalamat naman

Sana dumating na ang otter sa buhay ko...

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Muntik sa Bus

Nakaupo na ko noon sa bus sa tabi ng bintana. Hilig ko talaga maupo sa window-side para pag nakatulog ako, may sandalan ang ulo ko.

Habang dumudungaw sa bintana naramdaman kong may tumabi sa akin. Una kong napansin ang gym bag niyang dala. Abah, fit ito for sure. At hindi nga ako nagkamali. Triceps pa lang puro cuts na. Biceps pati na ang deltoids, toned din. Tumaas ang tingin ko. Dahan-dahan para di niya masyado mahalatang kinikilatis ko siya. Tsaka para malagyan na rin ng mukha yung mga  nakita kong body parts. Pagdating sa mukha, sabi ko, abah, pwede tong si kuya ah.

Nang bubunutin ko sana ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ng pantalon ko na matatagpuan sa side nya, napadikit yung siko ko sa tagiliran niya. Sabay kibot naman si Kuya at tingin sa akin at sa siko ko. Mukhang irritable at inis. Tinamaan namna ako ng takot ng slight. Baka homophobic tong mokong na to. Dumistansya na ko baka mabugbog pa ko.

Emote na lang ulit ako sa bintana habang pinagmamasdan ang mga palayang lagi ko nang nakikita sa linggo-linggo kong pagluwas. Nagulat na lang ako nang makita ko sa repleksyon sa salamin ng bintana ang liwanag mula sa cellphone ni kuya. Isang naghuhumindig na lalaking topless at nakabikini ang nasa cellphone niya. Hala! May tinatago din pala si kuya. Pasimple kong tinignan kung ano talaga ang ginagawa ni kuya. Napangiti na lang ako nang makita ko na ang nasa cellphone pala ni kuya ay Grindr. Ibig sabihin ang pagkibot ni Kuya kanina ay arte lang. Kala ko pa naman allergic siya sa bading. Pareho pala ang koponan namin. Gusto ko sanang batiin eh kaso busy siya sa pagsagot sa mga messages niya sa text, Grindr at Twitter.

Kaya sa buong byahe, nakangiti na lang ako. Mukhang ang dami kasing ka-aura ni Kuya eh. Natuwa ako for him.

****

Sa isa pang byahe, pauwi naman ako. Galing ako sa Timog sa isang pagsasalo. Nakailan ding bote ng SML at RH kaya noong palakad ako pa-EDSA ay mejo gago-gago na ko. Kumakanta ng malakasa at tumatawa. Noong napansin ko yung ibang taong naglalakad na nakatingin sa akin ay medyo tinamaan na ko ng hiya.

Sa bus naupo ako sa may aisle. Tumabi sa lalaking natutulog. Masayang-masaya ang mood ko noong gabing yun. Bakit ba naman hindi ako sasaya eh noon lang ulit ako nakainom at nakahalakhak ng ganoon nang matagal na panahon. So sa bus, gagong ngiti naman ako.

Napatingin ako bigla sa kaliwa ko sa kabilang side ng upuan. Meron lalaking, di naman kagwapuhan, di rin naman kapangitan, na nakita ko. Ayos lang naman siya. Tipong constru-level na saktong pang-romansa, ganyan. Hayun, tinignan ko. Tumingin din naman siya at tumango at sabay ngiti. Ngiti din naman ako.

Sa byahe namin, nakailang tingin din naman din ako sa kanya hanggang sa malaman kong marami pa siyang kasamang kapwa constru. Kaya sinukuan ko na ang pagtingin sa kanya.

Nang makita ko yung mga kasama niyang nagsitayuan, sinubukan ko siyang titigan ulit. Tumingin ulit siya sabay sabi, ano pre, kursunada mo ba ko? Malaki ang boses at halatang lasing sa tono pa lang. Napatalon yung puso ko at natakot ako bigla. Umiling na lang ako at yumuko hanggang sa bumaba silang lahat. Di ko na sinubukang silipin pa sila sa bintana dahil baka balikan pa ko.

Ngayon, ano ang natutunan ko sa pangyayaring ito: Kailangang matutong mangilatis ng titigan. Matuto ring huminay-hinay sa mga ginagawa sa bus at ibang public transportation. Baka maging mitsya pa yun ng buhay ko at ma-gangbang pa ko.

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